We’re So Sorry

To: The World (c/o France)
From: America
Re: Our apology

Hello, World! America here. We know that we’ve been a bit on the outs lately, and frankly, that hurts. But we also know what’s been bugging you. Lately, many Americans have been thinking that maybe things would be a lot easier without that cowboy in the White House, leading us off into trouble around every corner. With all his moral clarity and talk of good vs. evil, he’s got pretty much everybody mad at us.
So it’s time to put all that behind us. We want to be pals again, like in the good old days. And so we want to say we’re sorry in the best way we know how: by recognizing our mistakes, voting the cowboy out, and asking if you’ll forgive us.
We’re sorry that three years ago, when attacked by relgious fanatics, we lashed out at Muslims at home and around the world.
We’re sorry that, in our enthusiasm, we thought that the sixteen resolutions passed by the were actually meant to be complied with by Iraq, and enforced by the U.N.
We’re sorry that our illegal invasion violated Iraq’s national sovereignty, which granted to Saddam Hussein and the Baathists the right to rule that nation in perpetuity. (We will begin discussions on correcting our error, and returning Hussein to power, shortly).
We’re sorry that we have caused such economic harm to your fine nations, and that we ever doubted that your opposition to our actions was motivated out of anything but the best of intentions.
We’re sorry that even now, some of our more foolish citizens, in thrall to the cowboy, still refuse to see that Iraq posed no threat and had no interest in supporting terrorists.
We’re sorry that after overthrowing the rightful governments of Afghanistan and Iraq in our imperialist adventure, we’re now imposing our values on their citizens.
And lastly, we’re sorry that the murder of 3,000 of our fellow citizens led us, in moments of weakness, to err on the side of caution, and to not take the the word of a madman that he could do us no harm. That we implemented a policy of replacing tyrannies with democracies, in the foolish hope that spreading freedom around the world would not just make us safer, but make the world safer. That it would bring us thanks, rather than scorn.
For all this, we are sorry.
So, World, we hope you’ll accept this apology, and the one coming on November 2nd. Because all around America, the battle cry is being declared:
Vote John Kerry: Because We’re Sorry

(originally posted 10/5 6:24am; bumped 10/6)