Wisdom from Rodney

Father Bear, not one to e-mail tips lightly, sent along a collection of great philosophy from the dearly departed Rodney Dangerfield.
For your amusement, and in memorial to dear Rodney, therefore, I present some of his fine wisdom:
A lot of girls turn me down. One girl turned me down, she said she had to go to work in the morning. I told her, “I’ll be finished by then!”
I’m trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah…I told him once, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

Rest in peace, Rodney, and thanks.